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  1. #1
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    Post 'The Happening' - Review On The Fly

    This is something new I'm going to try. An on the fly movie review. Why? I hear you ask. Well, Angela is making me watch 'The Happening', which is apparently a really, really bad movie. Everyone has said so and it even got reviews in the low 1's. Yup, the low 1's.
    It's an old movie I know but for those who haven't seen it, according to others, don't! By the way, there will be spoilers throughout this review so if for some reason you really, really want to watch it don't read past here. Skip to the very end for my out of 10 beer review.
    So here I go. A blow by blow account and review of my movie experience with 'The Happening'

    The title screen looks pretty cool. It has links to different sections of the DVD. Things like 'Play Movie', 'Scene Selection' and 'Extras'. Great movie so far.

    -Movie has started.
    -The music and the clouds are pretty good. It kind of sets a dark mood. And the dog walking by is cute. I like dogs. Dogs are awesome.

    Okay, worst opening dialog ever “I forgot where I am”. Wow, do you think this will be a setup for anything? Can't be. I wouldn't be that predictable would it?

    -People are walking backwards. She's either tripping on the drugs that made her buy those clothes or something has affected every single one of them. Well whatever it is, it's only affecting humans. The dogs seem to be okay though. Thank god for that. I like dogs. If it's not affecting the other animals it can't be anything in the air then so it has to be supernatural. Scary!
    -Kill yourself... yeah... stupid woman with your hair and your face. But why did she kill herself with a chopstick? More to the point, why did she have a chopstick in her hair? These are questions that need to be answered. Let's go back to the movie shall we.
    -“Welcome to Jamaica!” Nooooooo man. Abort yourself from the joke, abort I say. It's not funny! No luck, he did it. What makes it worse is everyone's fake laughter.

    So far all that has happened has been people killing themselves in what I deem comedic ways. It doesn't really set anything up except for the question “WHY”? Weirdly enough I don't really care. But I hope for cinematic reasons they follow through with it. Otherwise it would be a little too random. The actors killing themselves don't seem to know how to act and the looks of surprise on their faces seem to illustrate that of minor concern. Someone has just died in front of you! I'd be a little more concerned than that buddy!

    -Yay, more death. That fall would really hurt. Another one! Everyone is falling from the roofs.
    -Weeeeeeee. Goodbye site insurance.

    For falling bodies and multiple suicides the music doesn't really fit the pictures. Perhaps it's because of this that it all seems too trivial.

    -And here's Mark. Oh yeah, you'd play a teacher. That's the perfect role for you. I bet you can't even spell your name correctly, never mind taking the tiresome and demanding role of a domestic science teacher.
    -Come on kids. At least pretend to read from your scripts.
    -"Blah blah blah I have a degree"...... go back to your actions movies dude. At least you can do your actions looks there and they won't look out of place.
    -Oh, there we go. An intense look at the principal and a bad joke to follow. Perfect performance Mark. *Slow clap*
    -Hey that kid in the background has a red bag! That's so much more interesting than this bloody conversation about nothing. Boohoo. Emotions that people can't act out properly. Why bother putting them in there then? Why?
    -So Mark goes home and finds his annoying wife sitting on the couch. His wife that has creepy eyes and doesn't know how to work phones. “Do I answer it? It's vibrating! What should I do?” Well she managed to turn on the TV so all is not lost. Wow, and at the exact right time for the right news story. That was lucky. Or was it? Nope, just bad directing.

    *Beer break*

    -His eyebrows are really weird! Who has eyebrows like that! So pointy and fake. Just like his acting surprised. “I'm sorry Mark but this surprised look you're giving us doesn't seem to be working. Um...I know...act like you're in the bathroom and someone has just walked in on you with your pants down. Yup there we go”.

    At this point I must say that I thought Mark could actually act. It seems that I was either wrong or horrible intoxicated during his other movies. I'm going with the later. His performance during this hasn't done him any justice what so ever. He's certainly taken a step back.

    -Another park got attacked! Perhaps it's the trees... wooooo.... the branches will come and kill you... or maybe the grass.... woooooo. I'm finding that I care less and less for this movie.
    -"Does anyone know where we are?" look more surprised Mark. Remember, you're on the toilet.
    -I want to kill that woman though. And I thought Mark couldn't act. She'd do a better job if she'd had just wandered onto the set during filming and they kept the cameras rolling.
    -Shut-up with you science stuff already!! You don't know what your saying! It's crap. The word science means as much to you as razor means to French women.
    -Note to self, do not leave Mark with my kids.
    -The lions killing the people in the zoo must be the ones who are up to no good. They're collaborating with the tress I tell you.
    -So they're all shelled up inside the cafe in the middle of no-where. And they're still getting served tea and coffee even though everyone is dying. If the owners are actually charging for any of it they must be making a packet! Even if there is no time left to spend it. Seriously man, it's like two bald men fighting over a comb.
    -The guy that just left his daughter is so going to die. There wasn't a more perfect setup in a movie. Oh come on, slow motion? SLOW MOTION? I hate you movie, I hate you so very much. I'm going to...

    *Beer break*

    The problem with this movie is that I don't care for any of the characters. I'm not rooting for any of them because none of them seem real, nice. I can't associate myself with any of them. I hate them all and I want them all to die. The casting has been chosen very poorly and the direction means that no-one is believable. Only the dog at the beginning does a good job and I bet then his only direction was “lick balls”

    -Told you he would die. But come on, the acceleration of the car before the final impact wasn't real. It was too sped up.
    -He survived? But no-one else did? Really? Was he the only one wearing a seat belt? Apparently so.
    -Meeting at crossroads. How bloody clique is that! We have decisions to make and look at that. We're at crossroads. Who would have thunk it. *Puke*
    -I've just discovered the best quote ever! It's pure fail! Mark: "Perhaps he's right" Girl: "What do you mean?" Mark: "I don't know". What? What? WHAT? You don't know what?

    *Beer break*

    -I can't believe it. I was right. The trees are killing people! I was right? I think my depression is flaring up again.
    -I have so many emotions at this point in the movie.
    -The wind is blowing and everyone is running away from the wind.
    -The mixed emotion are all bad ones.

    *Beer break*

    -So groups of people set it off do they? Large groups of people. Then explain to me why the girl on her own, in the house, back from where they come from died? She was the only one left but yet she was still a threat? This movie blows.

    *Beer break*

    -This is just crap

    *Beer break*

    -Why am I even bothering to do this stupid review? Stupid movie.

    *Beer break*

    -Quick note for you Mark. The fly screen lets air in. By hiding behind it, the wind can still get through. Yes it can. You and your crazy science degree.
    -Finally! The end!
    -Oh, and everything is okay. Trust. Stupid Hollywood with your everything is okay ending to movies. Don't want to depress you audience now do you?

    So over all, this movie blows. Hard! The casting was crap, acting from everyone excluding the trees was crap. You know what, it was so bad I'd recommend people watch it. If for nothing else other than the scary rustling trees and the hilarious acting from Mark.
    Overall, 1 beer out of 10.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
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    wow... this movie must be so bad that I got tired of reading how lame everything is! sorry, your comments are very entertaining, with the right level of droll sarcasm... but there's only so often I can hear about how crap the film is!

    I like the reviewing-on-the-fly idea too
    ... one pixel at a time
    TomHauville.com slash Portfolio

  3. #3
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    Mar 2002
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    Actually the movie was not all that bad…….if……it was not a serious attempt at a thriller from the start.

    I’m a believer that a bad film could be good, Shawn of the Dead, Lesbian Vampire Killers come to mind, and what would have made The Happening a much better movie is if they had tossed in a fart joke or two.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
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    Ha ha great review. This movie was so bad it. When I watched it I was at least hoping that something cool would be doing this.

    I just don't like M Night Shy-however you say it. The only movie I at least kind of liked was Sixth Sense, other than that his movies are just terrible.
    CodeGuru: DLL Tutorial For Beginners by me. Rated 4 1/2 out of 5.

  5. #5
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    that was . . . interesting. Actually i agree for the most part, movie was a waste of my time, predicted the ending 15 mins into the movie and sat through some relatively funny suicide scenes (lawn mower was good :P) and very bad supposedly emotional scenes.

    MOAR BEER REVIEWS!!
    Dangerous. Mute. Lunatic.
    <Toastage>: and you're like "Ey Joe it is Smismar, I am belgium, ishn't that veird. Fix mai internetz or I cut you yehs?"

  6. #6
    Join Date
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    Quote Originally Posted by 3dspider View Post
    that was . . . interesting. Actually i agree for the most part, movie was a waste of my time, predicted the ending 15 mins into the movie and sat through some relatively funny suicide scenes (lawn mower was good :P) and very bad supposedly emotional scenes.

    MOAR BEER REVIEWS!!
    If you predicted a plot that wildly stupid, 15 minutes into the movie... well I'm not exactly sure what that says about your credibility as a critic.

  7. #7
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    Oct 2006
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    1,548
    meh, I liked it. Probaly becuase of Zooey Deschanel, .......... shes the women of my dreeeeeeeeaaams.
    [quote][\quote]

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